Put More Power Into Your Communication Style

Women sometimes undermine their own power in how they communicate. I see this time and again with my coaching clients, and I have made some of these mistakes myself.

Women often don’t realize how their communication style gets in their way or impacts how others view their leadership. Although women may have good intentions, those may not be apparent in their communication. I think this quote drives the point home: “We judge ourselves by our intent, but we judge others by their actions.” So, remember that your actions may be doing you a disservice, no matter how positive your intentions.

Let’s take a look at three common communication traps to see if any of them apply to you.

1.  Getting into the weeds.

Women often make the mistake of building up to their conclusions, rather than starting with the two or three key headlines. They often don’t realize how this can diminish their credibility. By taking everyone through the details first, they run the risk of losing their audience in a sea of information, or giving the impression that they can’t see the big picture or get out of the weeds. Remember you can always provide additional information if others need it — so lead with the headlines.

2.  Holding back.

Have you ever been in a meeting and never said a word? Perhaps it’s because you agreed with what others said and you didn’t see a need to convey that. Or maybe you didn’t want to be rude and talk over someone to get your point across. Or perhaps you simply wanted to respect everyone else’s time and not prolong an already long meeting. Whatever your rationale, what did your participation (or lack thereof) convey to others? Did your presence really make a difference?

So next time, speak up! Before you walk into that meeting or jump on that conference call, take five minutes to anticipate what will be discussed and develop your point of view. This will make it easier to dive right in, contribute to the discussion, and get your voice heard.

3.  Treading too softly.

Women sometimes use a tone of voice or language that reduces their power and influence. Their voice may take on a higher pitch at the end of a sentence, giving the impression that they’re asking a question rather than making a statement with a strong sense of conviction. They may speak too quietly, or use words that communicate indecisiveness: “I think”; “I guess”; and so on.

So, pay attention to what you say and how you say it. To get a better sense of how your communication comes across, ask people you trust for feedback so you know what to watch for.

The good news is that you can address these issues through minor tweaks in your communication. Identify one small step you will take this week to put more power into your communication style. Remember that small steps can lead to big results.

Put Your Wisdom to Work

I’ve noticed a theme that keeps emerging with my clients and others I meet. I’ve talked at length with several people about the importance of thinking big—and beyond our selves. In the midst of day-to-day life, it can be easy to forget how many people have helped us along the way, personally and professionally, and how much we have to offer.

So, instead of writing a full article on this subject, I want to challenge you to think about how you will put the power of your knowledge and wisdom to work to help someone else.

Take a look at the four questions below to get your wheels turning.

1. Who do you see struggling that could use your support?

2. Who do you see repeating the same mistakes because no one will give them the feedback they need to break the cycle?

3. Who could benefit from your influence, perspective, expertise or contacts?

4. What have you been excited about getting involved in that you just haven’t taken action on

So, before you dive back into your day, identify one thing you will do this week to pay it forward, leveraging your unique value and perspective. You might be surprised at how much you get from the experience.

The Value of Being “Speechless”

Once I lost my voice to the point of a whisper. It was truly a first for me. As an extrovert and someone who provides coaching and consulting services, it was so hard to refrain from talking. To add another interesting dimension, I also had my 6-year-old son solo that weekend, so writing down what I wanted to say wasn’t an option — unless of course I wanted to limit myself to simple three-letter or four-letter words!

So, between losing my voice and starting off that week teaching coaching skills to a group of leaders, it reminded me of two simple but important ideas relevant to leadership.

1.Notice themes in your nonverbal communication.

Sometimes we forget how much we communicate without ever uttering a word. Whether it’s that scowl on your face, the hand on your hip, or that big smile — you constantly send messages. And the nonverbal cues speak so much louder than words, carrying much more weight if there’s a “disconnect” between the two.

So, right now, take a minute to think about what you are communicating on a day-to-day basis. Do you constantly look rushed, stressed out, or too busy to stop and have a conversation? How do your nonverbal messages align with your leadership brand (i.e., what you want to be known for as a leader)? If you are unsure about what you’re communicating nonverbally, ask for feedback from people you trust.

2.Recognize how the simple act of listening can propel things forward.

During the session I facilitated, I helped leaders practice coaching skills that they can apply to any role or situation. As you might expect, we focused on listening as one of those critical skills. Through various coaching scenarios and interactive role play, the leaders focused on:

• giving their undivided attention

• being “in the moment”

• listening with genuine curiosity

• withholding judgment as they listened

As we talked about the experience, several leaders mentioned how listening in this way can make a huge difference because the other person feels heard. They went on to say how taking this approach generated more engagement, opened the other person up to exploring solutions, and ultimately helped them take action faster.

Think about this for a minute. As a leader, if your team members feel that you are willing to listen and care about their perspectives, they will get more engaged in solving their own problems — giving you more capacity to work on other priorities.

So, right now, look at the questions below to assess how effectively you listen:

• How often do you multi-task as others are talking?

• How much do you focus on how you would solve the person’s problem or what you would say next while the other person is talking?

• How much do you REALLY pay attention to the person’s tone of voice, energy, nonverbal cues, and words?

Hopefully these two simple reminders have made you pause, as I did that week, to consider a small tweak you’d like to make. I urge you to identify one small step you‘ll take in the next five days to align your nonverbal communication with your leadership brand or to fine tune your listening skills. Remember, small steps can lead to big results.

What’s Your Impact?

Every day we engage with people from all walks of life in our professional and personal lives. Each interaction results in an exchange of energy, information, and ideas—positive and negative. Through the following three questions, I challenge you today to think about the impact you have on others.

What kind of energy are you giving off?

First, are you the kind of person who brings a conversation to a halt with your “healthy dose of realism” that others might call pessimism, or are you someone that people receive positive energy from? As you go through your day, notice how people respond to you by observing their body language, tone and actions. Recognize that some of their reactions may be more about them than you, but others may be directly related to what you are saying and doing. By paying attention more closely, you may notice some important patterns.

How do you impact results?

Next, ask yourself how the company or others benefit from your involvement or participation, whether you’re participating in a meeting or on a conference call. What do you typically contribute? Are you the person that “hangs back” or dives right in with your ideas? How much do you focus on moving things forward versus staying below the radar or just trying to wade through? Even if you’re “showing up” to participate, are you actually adding value?

What do others take from your behavior?

To bring the last point home, I want to share something from a meeting I was facilitating with an executive women’s group last week. We talked about how leaders are always in an “invisible spotlight.” In other words, people are constantly watching them, noticing what they are doing and drawing their own conclusions.

So, whether you realize it or not, you are sending indirect messages with everything you do. What are yours? Is it that you’re overwhelmed and need to be managed carefully or you might make life miserable for everyone? Or are you that unwavering leader that can provide direction and guidance consistently no matter what is going on? Recognize that small actions can add up to big messages when you put them all together.

Remember that you have an impact on everyone you interact with, but you do have a choice about what kind of impact you want have. So be intentional and purposeful about it and make sure that what you do reinforces your leadership brand and aligns with your values.

So, what one small step will you take this week to have the type of impact that’s important to you and your team?

No One Wins in the Blame Game

As an executive coach, I usually work with individuals. But I also coach colleagues who work together on the same team. This provides a fascinating window into team dynamics.  

In your own career, you've probably seen — or even been part of — teams with a combustible combination of personalities. For some reason, they just can't seem to work together, and they butt heads at every turn.

From coaching teams like this, I've noticed one thing they all have in common. Team members excel at pointing out how others create the destructive dynamic, but have difficulty noticing their own contributions to the situation. But playing the blame game never turns teams around. In fact, it rapidly erodes trust.

If you're on a dysfunctional team, start by looking at how you are contributing to the dynamics. Take a look at some common individual behaviors that can derail a team:

• Jumping to conclusions. You assume the worst about others and don't give them the benefit of the doubt. If another team member is trying to change his own behaviors for the better, this may cause you to overlook his efforts.

• Withholding. Instead of communicating directly about disagreements and resolving them, you silently seethe until you can’t take it anymore. It's almost inevitable you'll blow up— but no one will understand why.

• Being too hands-off. Team leaders may fall into this trap more often than others. You think your direct reports can resolve the conflict themselves — even though there's plenty of evidence to the contrary. You don't use the power of your position or your influence to send a strong message that you expect them to work out their issues.

• Badmouthing. When you gossip about or criticize your colleagues behind the scenes instead of working directly with them, you amplify tensions and model bad behavior for others.

• Getting stuck in your emotions. You draw conclusions based solely on your feelings, failing to seek out or consider the facts or other perspectives that contradict them.

• Not managing your own stress. When you're perpetually grumpy, tired, or stressed out, you're more prone to getting triggered by others. (Sound familiar? Read my blog article "5 Sure-Fire Ways to Get Centered Fast" for some tips that can help.)

If you're part of a contentious team, keep this article in mind as you interact with your colleagues. Identify one behavior to watch out for, identify the impact it has on others, and decide how you will engage instead. For additional ideas and strategies, check out "Building a Strong Team," part of my Leadership EDGE SeriesSM.

A Leadership Roadblock People Are Afraid to Share

Some high performers have a surprising blind spot.  

They excel in many areas. They advance and get raises. But a gap in their people skills holds them back from being as successful as they could be.

We're not talking about major tantrums or tirades here. Instead, a pattern emerges over time in their daily interactions. They become known for their harsh tone or words, for their lack of respect, for feedback that shames others instead of empowering them.

And they're not setting out to be bullies, either. High performers who fit this pattern usually aren't aware of these problem behaviors or their impact — both on their colleagues and on their own careers. Their intent is typically to deliver high-quality results, and to do it quickly.

As an executive coach, I see this issue more and more as resources shrink and stress grows at most workplaces. What’s worse is that most people feel too intimidated to give you the feedback that you need to notice and correct the behavior. To determine whether you need to further assess or adjust your leadership style, ask yourself these questions:

• How often do you deliver individual feedback in group settings? When you give team members negative feedback in front of others, it can embarrass them and erode the trust in your relationships. Wait until you have some one-on-one time.

• How consistently do you demonstrate respect with colleagues at all levels? Some people interact well with senior leaders and peers, but then take on a less respectful tone when they talk to their direct reports. Remember to model the behavior you expect from others.

• How often do people approach you in the hall or linger after meetings to talk? If this happens infrequently, it may be a sign to take a look at how you engage with others. Simply pay more attention to the other person’s body language and tone during your interaction.

• How often do others push back on your ideas? If everyone typically goes along with whatever you propose, that's not always a good thing. Rather, take a look at how comfortable people seem in voicing their feedback or ideas, especially ones that may be different than yours

• How often do you work more than 55 hours per week? When you work that much, the odds of you operating from a place of stress and exhaustion increase. This can deplete your patience, making it harder for you to communicate constructively.

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In answering those questions, did you discover any red flags that your style may be harsher than you intend? If so, there are a couple of steps you can take to course-correct.

When you're abrupt or disrespectful to others because of stress, step up your self-care. What can you do today to help maintain your energy — and sanity — while still accomplishing what you need to do? Start by evaluating how much sleep and rest you’re getting. If you’re running short of sleep, bump up your daily total by 15 minutes as a starting point. If you’re plowing through each day without stopping, even a one- or two-minute break here and there can do wonders.

Next, think about what you want to be known for — in other words, what you want your leadership brand to be — and examine how consistently your behavior reflects that. Check out the story of one of my past clients and how identifying her values as a leader helped her stop acting in ways that diminished others. You can also find more advice and ideas in my Leadership EDGE Series^SM booklet, "Building Executive Presence." Remember: You bring a lot of value, so don't let a harsh tone or demeanor take away from that.

Be Still But Keep Moving

I had a chance to hear Bill White, a community and business leader in Dallas, speak. For years, he has been a strong supporter of the United Way. His quote is the inspiration for my article today: “Be still but keep moving.” This really stuck with me, and reminds me of two important things that can be easy to forget as we rush through life.

Be Still

As I reflected about the first part of this quote, several things came to mind. First, there are times in your life where you need to stop pushing so hard and just let go. You know, those moments where you need to take a leap of faith and trust that you have done all that you can.

Sometimes, that brief pause can allow important lessons to surface that you might not otherwise notice in the midst of it all. Or it can create space for others to step up or things to unfold in ways you hadn’t expected.

Second, being still emphasizes the value of taking time to reflect and understand where you are. So when you do move forward, it’s strategic and deliberate. Strong leaders have mastered this practice.

Keep Moving

Now let’s think about the second part of the quote: “Keep moving.” To explain what he meant, Bill compared life to a bicycle. He said, “You have to keep moving to keep it in balance.” In other words, if you allow yourself to stay still too long, you will falter and won’t achieve what you want. You won’t get to the other side. So, you can’t allow yourself to stagnate or keep tolerating what doesn’t work for you. Sometimes you just need to do something and allow yourself to learn from it. Often taking even one small step can give you the insight, motivation, or information you need to take the next one.

There are times when you need to be still and other times when you just need to keep moving. Both are important to achieving your goals, personal and professional. So, what one step will you take to put this into play for yourself this week?

Venus Williams on Leadership

Thanks to my friend Millie Bradley, I had the opportunity to meet Venus Williams and hear her speak at the 100th anniversary celebration of the Girl Scouts in Dallas a couple of weeks ago. She was an impressive 6 feet and 2 inches, towering above most of us with a big smile on her face. Her keynote speech was full of personal stories as she described what leadership means to her. Although you have probably heard these three points before, they are good reminders:

1. Challenge yourself to grow

Venus’ parents have clearly had a huge impact on her perspective. She described how her father always challenges her and Serena to try different things on the tennis court. He doesn’t want either of them to get complacent, sticking to what feels comfortable in tennis or life. Rather, he wants them to constantly stretch and challenge themselves to do better – even when it feels like there isn’t a need.

2. Have a “can do” attitude

Venus laughed as she said, “In my family ‘can’t’ is a four letter word. We were NOT allowed to use that word in our home!”  She shared how her parents always pushed her to find a way to make things work, developing her tenacity and creativity. As evidenced by her impressive track record, there is tremendous power in having a winning, “can do” mindset.

3. Look for the lessons in your failures

As you know, how we handle our failures can have a huge impact on our future successes. Venus shared how losing a big match impacted her.  She often took it really hard, getting depressed and going into her cave for days. Eventually, she realized the value of making mistakes. She laughed as she said, “It’s okay to make the same mistakes twice. It just means you didn’t learn the lesson you needed to the first time. But I draw the line at making the same mistake thrice. You better have it figured out by then!”

So with those important reminders from Venus, how are you going to put them into play for yourself? Take a look at the questions below to get started:

• What will you do this week to stretch outside your comfort zone, even if it’s just a little bit?

• What one thing can you do this week to have a more positive outlook, focusing on what you CAN do?

• What was the toughest lesson you learned this year? How will you take that lesson forward into next year?

As always, identify one small step that you will take this week. You know I’m a firm believer that small steps can lead to big results.

What Seeing Things in Black and White Can Do for You

I realized that I received five journals as gifts this year from various conferences at which I have spoken and events that I have attended. Seeing that stack of journals reminded me about the power of writing things down. It seems like such a simple thing - so simple that many underestimate its value.  So, as you wrap up the year and begin thinking about the next, take time to write down these three things:

1. Your goals

Writing down your goals has tremendous power. Once you put them on paper, you will find yourself applying more scrutiny to them, refining them, and thinking about how you will achieve them. Often that step to get the goals out of your head and onto a sheet of paper is the most important one in making that commitment to achieving them.

What are your top 3 goals for the next six months or year? Be specific.

2. How you define success

People tell me all the time that they expect to be past a certain point by now, whether they are talking about their careers, a particular project, or something related to their personal lives.  “Come on, shouldn’t I be there by now?!”

When I dig deeper, I usually find that they haven’t defined where “there” is.  In other words, they don’t really know what success looks like. So, of course they never get “there.” And even if they did get “there,” would they know it?

In situations like this, most people don’t realize that their definition of success may have become a moving target tied more to their feelings in that moment rather than their progress against clear measures of success.

So, what is your definition of success for the next six months or year? How will you know when you have achieved it?

3. Your accomplishments

I find that high performers usually underestimate or overlook their successes, quickly moving to the next thing on their lists without taking the time to notice or celebrate what they have actually accomplished.

Having a list of your achievements handy will not only help you recognize your achievements, but also arm you with the information you need to regularly provide “strategic snapshots” of your performance to key stakeholders.

What are the three accomplishments you are most proud of from this year? Who will you share them with? How will you track your accomplishments next year so that you can keep them front and center?

I hope this week’s article has gotten your wheels turning. I urge you to look at your calendar, and find some time to answer the questions I posed. Remember that you don’t have to do it in one big chunk of time. Just do it in a way that works for you

Just Colleen – Leading with Luv

On September 9, 2011, we had the unique opportunity to hear Colleen Barrett (President Emeritus of Southwest Airlines) speak about Servant Leadership at our monthly North Texas Coaches meeting. Unlike most leadership presentations, this was an open forum where she encouraged us to ask her what we really wanted to know. I have to smile as I think about my experience with this event. It began with logistical emails back and forth with her team as I sat on a Southwest Airlines (SWA) plane from Dallas to Houston. When they realized I was on a SWA flight, I immediately received heartfelt emails thanking me for being a customer, signed with lines of “X’s and O’s.” That was truly a first for me in a business setting. And quite fittingly, the event itself ended with more Luv. As I thanked Colleen on stage, she gave me a big kiss on the cheek while she endearingly adjusted the back of my suit jacket and said, “I just couldn’t let you walk around like that.”

In the hour she spent with us, Colleen shared story after story in such an authentic style, all in the spirit of teaching us what she has learned over the years. As you know, she and Herb Kelleher successfully planted the seeds that have grown a culture that truly differentiates Southwest Airlines from its competitors, driving results in a challenging industry. So, today I want to share a few of Colleen’s pearls of wisdom.

Serve First

Colleen began by telling us that serving first is the backbone of Servant Leadership, a philosophy core to her management and leadership style. This means that servant leaders think about others’ needs first and ask, “How can I help?” Colleen views this as key to understanding how to motivate and develop employees and get results. By serving others and following the Golden Rule (i.e., Treat others as you would like to be treated), leaders build true followership.

Do What You Luv

Colleen spoke about the importance of loving what you do, what she called “combing your advocation and your vocation.” For her, the past 40+ years in the airline industry have been about customer service, something she wholeheartedly thrives on. She reminded us that life is short, and that we should not underestimate the importance of doing what we love. We inherently know that tapping into what we enjoy brings out our natural creativity and elevates performance.

You Can Learn from Anyone

Colleen also reminded us that great ideas can come from anywhere. As leaders, when we let go of the hierarchy and adopt a learning mindset, we can naturally and easily bring out ideas from others. Colleen also emphasized the power of noticing the small cues, like body language, which can teach us volumes about what people really think.

Do the Right Thing

By the end of her presentation, Colleen had us all in tears. She closed with a moving story in which employee after employee at SWA had jumped through hoops, working around at least four major rules and government regulations, to do the right thing for a passenger in a dire family situation.

She used her example to highlight the power of doing the right thing, even if that means bending or breaking the rules. Colleen explained that the SWA culture empowers employees to do what they feel is right in a given situation – to use their own judgment, take a risk, and potentially make a mistake. Although SWA has a forgiving culture, they do stand firm about what matters most - employee attitudes and customer service.

As you might guess, we left the session sniffling and inspired. If you want to learn more about how Servant Leadership can drive results, take a look at Colleen’s new book co-authored with Ken Blanchard, Lead with LUV: A Different Way to Create Real Success.

Tastefully Tooting Your Own Horn

Over the past three years, my most requested presentation has been Tastefully Tooting Your Own Horn. It may surprise you to know that individuals at all levels of organizations struggle with self-promotion. Many find self-promotion draining and difficult but absolutely essential - yes, a necessary evil.  I don’t like it any more than you do, but I learned how to do it over the years because I had to. At Deloitte, I worked on consulting projects all over the country, where the partners and directors who made decisions about my pay and promotion often had no direct visibility to my work. So, I had to find ways to talk about my results and accomplishments and arm others with that information – in a way that worked for me. Today, I help my clients do the same. To get you moving in the right direction, I want to share three common roadblocks to self-promotion and how to move past them.  

1. “My good work will speak for itself. I don’t have time for these games.”

I can’t tell you how often I hear this phrase. It’s usually from talented individuals who do great work but detest political games (i.e. affectionately called “the heads down” worker”).

If this sounds like you, recognize that most people are way too busy to notice all the ways you add value - even if they want to. I’m guessing that your boss has several direct reports, her own boss, and other key stakeholders who demand her time and attention. On top of that, she has her own goals to meet and distractions to manage. How much time does that really leave her to focus on you?

So, it’s up to YOU to make it happen – to take the initiative to give visibility to your work, to get recognized for your contributions and open up new possibilities for yourself. Your good work alone won’t get you there - and unfortunately you can’t win at a game that you won’t even play. Start by making a decision to get in the game.

2. “I don’t want to come across as obnoxious or full of myself.”

No one likes to listen to someone whose head can barely fit in the door. Yes, we’ve all met at least one of those people in our lives! The good news is that those negative experiences can give us clues about what NOT to do. So, if you don’t want to come across as arrogant, think about how you DO want to show up. To get started, come up with three words to describe the type of impression you’d like to leave about yourself when you are telling others about your accomplishments. If you have already defined your personal brand, use that as context as well.

Remember that having clarity about the imprint you want to leave on others will help you develop strategies that work for you.

3. “I’m bad at it. I just don’t know how to do it.”

You’re not alone if you feel ill equipped to tastefully toot your own horn. If you feel this way, think about how you can share information about your results and accomplishments in a way that is relevant and helpful to others.

I’ll give you two examples to think about. First, consider that someone else in the company may be faced with a challenge similar to what you just successfully overcame. By taking the time to share what you did and how you did it, you can help them tremendously.

Second, keep in mind that your boss has to make decisions about your performance, pay, and development (to ensure that you can continue to contribute to the company’s goals). Providing information to her on a regular basis will allow her to make those decisions easily, and will serve you and the company well. Remember that she will be held accountable for your results.

Finally, to give you more clues about how to tastefully self- promote, look for others around you who do it well. Simply notice what they do and say. You may find that you can adapt some of their strategies to fit your own style.

By recognizing what’s holding you back from self-promoting, you can determine how to move forward. Start by defining an action step you will take this week. Also, if you haven’t read it, take a look at Brag! The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn.